Sonya’s a good sport, so she humored him and obliged, but at the threshold to his apartment she said “If your place is, like, immaculately clean, I’m going to know this was all planned.” And, of course, it was. Sonya isn’t exactly a fan of this type of male-imposed entrapment, so while she hit him up for the free drink, she did not grant him a second date.

I’ve found myself in a similar predicament many times, which is why when I prepare my apartment for the potential arrival of a female, I have this routine we’ll call the “Half-Clean.” The great thing about the Half-Clean is that it suggests that my apartment (upon her entrance) is existing in its natural state; it conveys that I am a fairly well-kept person ALL THE TIME, when in reality I am anything but.

Related: 12 Last-Minute Steps to Prep Your Apartment for a Guy

Why not full-clean? For the exact reason Sonya’s suitor was denied a second date: if a girl (especially one you’re still getting to know) thinks that you went to extreme lengths at her expense, she’s going to assume you have expectations, and expectations lead to pressure, and pressure makes her feel uncomfortable. And discomfort was what you were trying to avoid by cleaning your hovel of a living space in the first place, right?

Phase One: Extreme Makeover, Apartment Edition

Before mussing things up, you want a pristine base layer. So basically you’re going to tidy and scrub your quarters into a state of perfect cleanliness only to reintroduce some semblances of male living and attendant disarray.

Here’s a breakdown of the most important tasks:

Bathroom

1) Shower curtain Is it covered in mildew on the inside? If so, toss it and hang a new one. Not only does it look gross, it’s probably acquired a stench which you may or may not be aware of, as well.

2) Trash can Empty it. But not all the way. Leave some scraps in the bottom — maybe not those tissues, though.

3) Toilet This thing should be so thoroughly scrubbed and lacquered that it could double as an eating surface. (Obviously, you’ll want to wait to do this until the date is imminent, so you don’t have to do it twice.) And close the toilet seat. She might suspect this part was premeditated, but she’ll think it flattering rather than hold it against you.

4) Towel Replace it. Regardless of how many days you’ve used it. You can always reintroduce it into the mix tomorrow when she’s gone. Tonight, though, you don’t want her to catch that telltale wet-dog scent that tends to taint towels in humid cities after about three or four uses.

Related: Making Your Apartment “Date Ready”

Kitchen/Living Room

5) Vacuum Not just the floor. The real key is hitting those unsightly couch cushions, which are probably powdered with the crumbs of the various bags of snacks you routinely pass out with your hand still buried in.

6) Hide Your Illicit Materials Any and all tobacco products, nudie mags, pills, papers, pipes, poppers, latex dress-ups, needles, tourniquets, shoeboxes full of non-sequential bills, cassette recordings of your calls to that late-night singles hotline, etc. should be cached in a place where she’ll never happen upon them. And if you own all those things, I hope you have a big closet.

7) Wash the Dishes I know, I know: that pile has grown to such unmanageable girth that you can’t even locate the faucet. And, yes, half of them belong to your equally slothful roommate. If you were smart, you would have orchestrated a date for him the day prior to yours so that this task fell his way. But now it’s too late, so put on the closest thing you own to a Haz-Mat suit, break out the industrial-sized jug of dish soap and scour like you mean it.

8) Refrigerator Dispose of anything that has visibly changed in hue since the last time you ate it. Then arrange things in some pattern other than “where they ended up after you Frisbeed them through the door.”

Related: What’s Your Best Excuse for Inviting a Date In?

Bedroom

9) Change the Sheets Because you smell. Duh.

10) Make the Bed Sort of. What I mean is, don’t pull the corners tight and fluff the pillows and top it off with a mint chocolate like you’re J.W. freaking Marriott. It should appear as if it were made hastily, thus implying it’s something you do everyday.

Related: The Best Mattresses for Sex

11) About that Pile of Dirty Laundry … You probably won’t have time to make it to the laundromat, considering the nuances of a thorough Half-Clean. So gather all the articles that are visibly overflowing from your hamper, pack them into a laundry bag, and then make that bag disappear somewhere. Maybe in the same place you stowed all your paraphernalia, assuming there’s still wiggle room.

Phase 2: Shake Things Up

Now that your apartment is tidier than the day you moved in, you need to construct a facade of prior habitation (and awesomeness). In doing so, you will create an image of yourself as a competent (but not obsessive) housekeeper, rather than the guy who frenetically detailed his apartment for the express purpose of some girl’s arrival.

So do some of these things, incorporating your own personal touches as you start to grasp the model.

12) Your Brand New Wine Cabinet Your instinct might be to buy one bottle of wine. I would advise you to buy three or four. Listen: let’s say you invite her back to your place after you’ve been out to dinner or a movie or a high school play or whatever the kids are passing off as dates these days. One bottle of wine says “I bought this because I intended to bring you back here and get you tipsy.” More bottles says “I am a nascent enologist. Care to sample from my bouquet of reds?” Of course, more than one bottle always permits the possibility of, like, drinking more than one bottle as well. I dare say it’s a good date if you achieve that juncture.

Related: A Drink for Every Stage of Your Relationship

13) Books and Magazines Lying About Like White Goodman says in Dodgeball: “Oh! You caught me. I like to break a mental sweat too.” Make sure you have read/are reading at least one of them, since there’s a good chance she’ll quiz you on it.

14) Background Music Bonus points if you stalk her Facebook in advance to discern her preferred genre (DO NOT play the exact artists you find there — she’ll see right through that. Play something similar). Try to be discreet and/or casual when you flip the tunes on; if executed tactlessly, this maneuver can pass as an exceedingly heavy-handed moodsetter.

15) Empty Beer Can in the Shower Hopefully she notices it when she’s going to the bathroom. In which case she’ll probably giggle. #sorryforpartying

16) Candles They don’t need to be lit. In fact, lighting them might be creepy. Just have them there. Candles are cool, smell good, and add a touch of class to any room.

17) Your Roommate’s Guitar Leaning against the wall. This says: “Oh, hey, I was just strumming along to this stellar playlist earlier. Play you something? Oh, no, I’d be too embarrassed (slash I’d probably hold it upside down).” [Ed. note: We'd put "guitar you don't know how to play" on the "don't" list -- but your call.]

18) Toys You probably don’t want to take this to the extreme that Steve Carell does in The 40 Year-Old Virgin, but a couple funny action figures will tell her that you haven’t completely lost touch with your inner boy/nerd, which is potentially endearing.

19) Something That Says “I Work Out!” Kettle balls and a bench propped against the wall might be overkill, but that yoga mat rolled up in the corner or a pair of dumbbells peeking out from underneath the end table will tell her you are interested in maintaining (or perhaps obtaining, depending on your present state) a svelte physique.

20) Recycling Bin Being green is super fashionable these days. Impressing girls shouldn’t be the only reason you care about preserving the planet, but if you don’t recycle already, it’s a reason to start.

21) General Disarray Scatter some papers or trinkets around the living room. Hang a coat over the back of the couch. Get creative.

The key is this: you want your place to appear put-together but lived in, which is how it would look if you cleaned up on the reg. Come to think of it, maybe I should just start doing that… nah. That would be too much work.

Editor’s note: In case you missed them, catch up on Nikki’s previous Dating Diaries posts here.  

I don’t think my calling is writing, or blogging, or showing up at an office: I’m pretty sure my vocation is making break-up song mix CDs. As in, a full-on Etsy shop called the Safehouse for Broken Hearts where each CD comes with a handmade collage with the track listing written on the back.

Related: Get Over Your Breakup In 47 Minutes With Our Breakup Playlist

I woke up the other morning and I felt lonely. All I wanted to do was call my ex-boyfriend and just talk to him. But at this point, I owe him his solitude and privacy as much as he owes me mine, and what would talking lead to? Being “friends”? The point is, I toughened up, at least for a little while. All the things that I’m feeling right now are not things he needs to hear or things I need to share with him. I can share them with my friends.

Or, you know, with no one at all. I can lie on my bed late at night listening to breakup songs and ugly cry. During the day and most nights, I’m busy and feeling fine. But sometimes, I like to give in to my feelings and be a little self-indulgent. I can sob to Jewel and I don’t have to answer to anyone about that, okay?

I haven’t been on any dates in the past few weeks. I have absolutely no desire. This is my romantic life for the time being. So I hope you don’t mind if I share a few of my favorite heartbreak songs and maybe you will share yours so I can cry to those too.

Related: 5 Things I Learned About Sex From Rap Music

Feist, “The Park”

I don’t know that such a generic sentiment as, “Why would you think your boy could become, the man who could make you sure he was the one?” has ever seemed so specifically true to my life. Also, the song’s dirge-like quality is a total tearjerker.

This song just really captures the loneliness of a breakup. It seems a little extreme to say, “Who’s gonna want me when I’m just somewhere you’ve been? Who’s gonna want me now?” but when you’ve really given yourself to someone, you do feel a bit like a vacated space afterwards. And then I cry.

Try being heartbroken and not getting sick pleasure singing, “Sadness is my boyfriend.” I dare you.

After my ex-boyfriend and I first broke up many months ago, I was haunted by black Hyundai Elantras. Seriously, every time I saw one, or a car that looked like one (so many lookalike Toyotas in this city!) I would freak out and wonder if it was him driving. It was a miracle I didn’t get into any car accidents.

Call me cheesy, I don’t care. She is really feeling that pain in this song, which I appreciate. Bonus: this music video is completely insane.

Related: 10 Secret Perks Of Going Through A Breakup

This, to me, is one of the saddest love songs ever, because sometimes you don’t break up with someone because he cheated on you or because he was bad to you in any way. It’s just the slow fade of love — “its mist might choke you” — and that’s what is really scary.

Candice, 31, New York, met a lawyer at a bar and agreed to accompany him on a date to see The Avengers. She didn’t like him and politely told him she didn’t feel they had a connection (after he told her he didn’t want to waste his time). I know, HOW DARE SHE. Below, the texting that ensued after that. Now you tell me… how much sh*t is this guy full of?

Sir, if you are reading, please know this: we are all onto you. You’re not fooling anyone. You did this on purpose. You have not dated hotter girls. Candice wasn’t that lucky. And Nancy is fictional.

[Gawker]

Related: What Your Favorite Sex Position Really Says About You

Seriously, what’s the appeal here? I can only come up with three possible conclusions as to why this would be a good idea: either A) you’re both already so drunk that you’ve been completely desensitized to the oaken sting of a good Bourbon, B) you’re an alcoholic, or C) you’re a serious pair of lightweights trying to get in a more uninhibited mood ahead of some awkward foreplay.

Related: 10 Instant Turn-Ons (That Work For Both Sexes)

At $12, we suggest this one as a worthy White Elephant gift, but strongly advise against presenting to anyone with even a hint of sincerity.

[Incredible Things]

If you don’t have time to lolly-gag around the internet all day searching for wacky sex and relationship articles like we do, this is for you! The best stuff that people are talking about right now, from all over the web.

Jamaican Sprinter Dumps GF So He Can Focus On The Olympics [Huffington Post]

Why I Love Weird Porn [Good Men Project]

Here Are What The New Bachelors Look Like [TresSugar]

The Surprising Secret To Hotter Sex [Betty Confidential]

Do Men Really Care About Their Partner’s Flexibility? [Em & Lo]

I know what I like to wear, but I must confess, I don’t know what guys like me to wear. And it’s not like anyone should completely change their wardrobe for a date or turn off their true selves, but sometimes it’s worth it to dress safely — shall we say agreeably? — on the first meeting. Think of it as going into an introduction with a blank slate, with baby steps, with caution. Because even guys who say they don’t care about clothes kind of do. Here’s what some of my guy friends said when I asked them were first date fashion no-nos:

Related: The Ultimate First Date Guide: Everything You Need To Know

Anything too revealing. Short skirts, cleavage-bearing anything. Seriously —  you may think you look hot (and you probably do) but it’s not a great first impression. My friend Rich told me, “I like a slow reveal — and to do a little work to get there.”

Also: anything that totally hides the body. “No sweatpants!”

Huge purses. They make you look high-maintainence which makes guys think you’re an expensive date blahblahblah, not fair but true.

Related: 6 Things Girls Should Never Wear On A First Date (If They Want A Second One)

Anything too dressy. If you’re going to a sporting event, skip the pearls.

“Whore Lipstick.” (This was described to me as “lipstick with adjectives such as hot, wet, sexy, lusty”.)

Ear gauges.

Related: 12 Last-Minute Steps To Prep Your Apartment For A Guy

UGGs. (This came up a few times.)

A T-shirt expressing any sort of controversial opinion. The example given was actually “I Love Mitt Romney.”

Too much makeup. You might think it looks okay, but guys don’t like to see your face caked in makeup.

Uncomfortable-looking shoes. Do a test before your date — if you can’t walk normally in them, leave them at home.

Related: 10 Things Guys Should Never Wear On Dates

Glitter. This is really hard for me to say — I am devoted to the wearing of glitter makeup. But even I know: On a first date, an interview, or anytime I need to actually impress, I wear normal-person makeup. Don’t stress — the second you get home you can scrub it all off and go back to your more natural, glittery state.

Something that can fall off, slip up, unzip, or unbutton. Even though your date would probably love it.

Something that you haven’t worn before. You never know how you feel in something until  you give it a test run, and you want to feel good.

Related: 10 Things To Always Have With You On A First Date

No bra. Although one of my friends highly recommended not wearing one, I’m going to have to disagree.

A turtleneck. “I don’t need to see Katy-Perry-On-Sesame-Street-like cleavage, but I want to at least get a peek at her neck,” one guy said.

Anything from Buckle, particularly this cowboy hat. (Where do they get this stuff?)

Related: Getting Ready For A Date In 30 Minutes Or Less

Hats in general. Hats are cool, but they are also polarizing. One guy said he didn’t like “those fabric beret-like things” (and I have no idea what he’s talking about), and another said “any hat that is more interesting than the person wearing it” (and I have no idea what he’s talking about). But the takeaway is that guys do have opinions about hats, and while they might be confusing, they’re often negative.

I know this sounds like a lot, but it seems somewhat feasible. They want to see your skin, but they don’t want you dressing too dressy, too uncomfortably, or see too much of your boobs or butt. No hat. Wear a bra. Tone down your make-up. That leaves a lot of room to express your style! As long as your style isn’t Buckle-inspired.

[infographic designed by Larry Buchanan]

]]> http://personals.chronogram.com/date-report/the-top-10-worst-first-date-no-nos/feed/ 0 http://personals.chronogram.com/date-report/the-6-worst-things-you-can-do-right-after-you-get-married/ http://personals.chronogram.com/date-report/the-6-worst-things-you-can-do-right-after-you-get-married/#comments Tue, 15 May 2012 14:10:14 +0000 Meredith Bodgas http://personals.chronogram.com/date-report/?p=8583 There are lot of great things to do right after you get married — have sex, sleep, take a fancy vacation, have more sex, write thank-you cards, have even more sex. But there are some pretty bad activities, too. Steer clear of these particularly damaging post-wedding enterprises.

Related: The 6 Biggest Surprises Of The First Year Of Marriage

Related: Living Alone? Science Says You’re Probably Depressed (Thanks, Science)

Growing up in Baltimore, I’ve attended many infield parties at the second leg of the Triple Crown, the Preakness. Something about that infield makes us all behave like heathens. Don’t get me wrong — it’s a good time (even though it feels a bit like a war zone). Hook-ups abound, and there are plenty of opportunities to merge with the opposite sex. If you want to get lucky:

Rule 1: Keep Your Clothes On

Sounds contradictory, right? Most guys there would tell you they don’t want you to keep your clothes on; most guys who attend infield parties in fact arm themselves with a few supplies: a well-stocked cooler, sunglasses, sunscreen, and a sign reading “Show Your Tits” (usually classily scrawled in sharpie on a piece of cardboard). We’ll call them boob-hunters.

Related: 50 Places To Meet People (When You’re Over The Bar Scene)

A good boob-hunter will look for the mob and turning heads chanting “show your tits..show your tits!” with the help of their signs, of course. Even when you’re mid-conversation with a friend, they may cut you off and look over your shoulder as if they see a ghost: “Over there!” Usually, the main indicator is that a woman has been hoisted upon some guy’s shoulders. But even guys (like myself) who get a kick out of the Preakness flashers would never actually date the type of girl who was willing to show herself off (drunk or not) to a crowd of salivating savage men.

Related: 4 Ways To Hit On Your Surgeon

Rule 2: Dress Accordingly

One of my favorite things to do is dress over-the-top preppie as if I’ve got cash. Horse Racing is the perfect opportunity. I admit, looking for ridiculoud preppie outfits is as fun as boob-hunting. If you’re not going to go ultra-prep, just dress like you’re going to a sunny sporting event.

One year, we invited a girl named Melissa, who I had a crush on, to attend Preakness. But Melissa showed up wearing a white sweater, pearls, and heels for an infield party…on the grass. Don’t get me wrong — she looked great. But it wasn’t the right look for Preakness. It told me a few things about her: she either tried too hard, or she didn’t do any research about what she should wear to the track.

Women who dress elegantly are attractive, but sometimes you have to go casual. Show you can do both looks, especially at outdoor sporting events. Do a little research if you’re not sure what to wear, because it’s awkward when you don’t do it right.

Related: 6 Ways To End A Sex Drought

Rule 3: Ask Yourself: “Do I Really Want To Conceive A Child At The Triple Crown?”

The Preakness infield is a primordial soup concocted of mud, sweat, beer, liquor, and other bodily fluids that I can’t bring myself to write. Most people bring chairs and picnic blankets to try to defend themselves against this toxic mixture.

It was in this bacteria-filled ecosystem that my buddy from college (Bird) and friend from high school (Lauren) met. After hanging out all day, the two ended up on a little makeshift picnic blanket (beer box) amidst a mud/beer/bodily fluid patch of dirt/grass on the Preakness infield, oblivious to the debauchery that swirled around them.

Little did we know at the time that the two would end up getting married. They have two beautiful children, but I can’t help but chuckle when I remember that they are — in some way — the product of the Preakness infield. If you want to avoid this, be safe. Or at least, in good humor, nickname your child after the winning horse.

I feel like sh*t. / My suggestion is to keep your distance cuz right now im dangerous. / We’ve all felt like sh*t. / And been treated like sh*t. / All those motherf–kers that want to step up. / I hope you know I pack a chain saw / I’ll skin your ass raw / And if my day keeps goin’ this way I just might break somethin’ tonight / And if my day keeps goin’ this way I just might break your f–kin’ face tonight / Give me somethin’ to break.

Related: An Open Letter To My Ex-Boyfriend’s Future Girlfriend

Wow, the year 2000 was fantastic, wasn’t it? Anyway, you know the feeling, Fred Durst knows the feeling, Donna Alexander knows the feeling. Alexander maybe most of all — she’s the founder of the Anger Room, a Dallas locale where you frequent only to break anything and everything. You enter a room full of random objects and furniture (wearing a safety suit and goggles) and are free to bust to bits anything you want.

Related: 26 Easy Ways To Shake Off A Bad Date

5 Minutes (“I Need A Break”) costs $25, 15 minutes (“Last Out”) for $45, and 25 minutes (“Total Demolition”) is $75. It looks a little something like this:

Related: 6 Strategies For Successfully Arguing With Someone You’re Dating

 When I first saw this video, I thought, “man that looks really unhealthy and I don’t think I’m a violent enough person to truly enjoy (and pay for) a chance to just beat the hell out of everything in my path.” But the more I watched the more I thought of time when I have been ANGRY and it might have been helpful to take out my rage on a room full of stuff rather than my cat or my mom or the woman who works at Walgreens or whatever.

Related: The Worst Thing You Can Say To Your Girlfriend In A Fight

So yeah, I’d use it. Hopefully only the “I Need A Break” therapy session, though. But who knows — a reallllly bad day might call for something more.

Related: Why Telling Your Partner “You Suck!” Is Actually A Good Idea

If you’re angry AND you’re not in Dallas, perhaps scoping out the Anger Room Video Gallery will ease your tension. If not, there’s always Fred Durst.

[Time]

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

[Via Today.com]

Via an episode of Anderson this week, Amy Drescher, a woman with an intimate knowledge of cheating-she’s a private investigator-shared a really interesting tip for detecting when your guy might be cheating on you.

The clue is this: If you’re already feeling suspicious of your guy, and you confront him about strange behavior like changed passwords or late nights, a cheater will likely respond by telling you repeatedly that you’re crazy. Drescher says she commonly hears this from her female clients when she’s investigating their husbands, but the women aren’t crazy.

Ahh — like Gena, this has happened to me, too. You have a hunch that there’s something fishy going on, you innocently ask, and then, suddenly he’s convincing you that you’re insane and paranoid. But then it turns out that you were right all along, and you feel pretty damn vindicated except for the fact that it sucks to be right because yes, he is cheating on you.

Bottom line is this: People who have something to hide get defensive and try to turn the argument around on you. People who don’t have anything to hide will just answer simply and honestly, and address your concerns head-on.

(By the way, my favorite response to the ‘you’re crazy’ line is of course: “Oh you think I’m crazy? You think this is crazy? I will SHOW you crazy!” thereby both vindicating myself and validating the accuser’s point. Whatev.)

[Glamour, via Yahoo Shine: Is He Cheating? The Major Warning Sign]

There are of course run-of-the-mill sex dreams that everyone has once in a while. What does it all mean? Read on…

Sex in Public

Apparently, this dream is more common for men than for women; it has something to do with men getting the chance to prove their virility in public. For both genders, it’s a way of overcoming the idea that sex is something shameful, to only be done at home or in private.

Sex with a Stranger

Both men and women dream about having sex with strangers. It’s your subconscious’s way of letting you know you don’t really feel like being in a stable or monogamous relationship. (Maybe because you’re bored in your current one?)

Sex with a Coworker

Another dream that both men and women have. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re attracted to the coworker in question: more likely, it just means you want to spice things up and break your routine. (The routine, for instance, of going to work every day, seeing the same people, etc etc.)

Group Sex

Lots of men dream of sharing their current partner with other people. In the dream, the men usually control the situation, so that they’re voluntarily making or helping their partner cheat (as opposed to being cuckolded).

Sex with an Ex

If you dream of having sex with an ex, you probably have some unresolved feelings or issues to confront. It could also just be an indication that your current relationship is starting to feel a little bit boring or rote.

Gay Sex Dream (Or straight sex dream, if you’re already gay)

It doesn’t mean you’re gay (or straight!) Often, this type of dream indicates a celebration of some sort of maternal or paternal life event, which, yes, seems weird, but there you go. (It could also mean that your subconscious is farther down on the Kinsey scale that you realize…)

Sex with your Best Friend’s Partner 

This dream probably just means that you find certain qualities in your friend’s partner attractive, and like something you’d want in a partner yourself. (It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re secretly in love with your best friend’s significant other, and thus a horrible person.)

[Via Yahoo Italia]

Two words, six syllables: Medical. Residents. As someone who spent her twenties flailing and failing her way through every manner of self-expression — acting, stand-up comedy, spoken-word poetry, competitive storytelling, lackluster creative writing — I never found myself meeting/dating doctors. I met/dated under-employed, under-accomplished actors, musicians, and painters, not to mention myriad cooks at the various restaurants that employed me. But doctors were out of reach — that is, until they had occasion to wheel me around for cat scans and MRIs, and check in daily about my pain levels.

Related: How To Be Single In  Your 20s: 4 Dating Tips For My Niece

To make the recovery process a wee bit more fun — hospitals get boring pretty quickly; you can comb through Facebook only so many times before you start thinking maybe you were wrong, maybe it is compelling, uploading photos of your food — I started flirting with my doctors. I’m sorry, but what do you want? They were handsome…and I was bored and heavily medicated.

Naturally, the last thing I’d want for any of you out there is a hospital visit. However! Were it to happen, why not make the whole thing more interesting by hitting on your surgeon? My tips, learned and honed through hard, old-fashioned experience, included below.

If you haven’t seen these amazing pictures of 70-year-old Pam Shaw, stop what you are doing and check them out. This woman has a zest for life or something. PLUS! More of our favorite reads around the web.

Pam Shaw, The 70-Year-Old Virgin, Is Looking For Love (PICTURES) (Huffington Post)

What, Like You’ve Never Slept With Someone You’re Ashamed Of? (XO Jane)

An Open Letter To Everyone Who, When My Fiance Left Me, Told Me It Was “His Loss” (McSweeneys)

7 Things You Didn’t Know About Kissing (All Women Stalk)

Why Slow Sex Is Better (Men’s Fitness)

If the last thing you want to do is meet someone over vodka sodas and loud music, there are some pretty good alternatives! The key? Get out and do things. The more active you are in your life, the wider your social network is, and, perhaps more importantly, the more interesting (and therefore attractive) you yourself become.
So, if you feel like you need to, swap the late nights at bars for early mornings at the dog park; jam pack your days and nights with activities where you’ll be forced to come into contact with new and like-minded people.

If you need some tips on how to break the ice, these posts should give you some good ideas:

• Coffee Shop Pick-Up Strategies
• 7 Bookstore Pick-Up Strategies
• Shy? Here are 5 Easy Ways to Boost Your Dating Confidence

OK, ready to go out and meet someone new? Here’s where to start…

Bruschetta, I believe, is a popular item to be shared at a wine bar or something. OR A PICNIC! I don’t know! But on second thought, I have to agree. Things could get a little awkward. The “little heap of tomatoes stacked precipitously on a chunk of dry bread that’s too big to eat in a single bite—so you bite it in half, and all the tomato chunks fall off” IS awkward.

Related: 10 Things They Never Tell You About Marrying A Chef

Oysters, we are told, are an aphrodisiac. But the entire idea is completely disgusting when you think about it, and it’s unlikely that you’ll be able to eat them with grace, no matter how much a lady you may be.

Related: 10 Bad Habits Women Have On First Dates

Nachos, oh don’t tell me nachos are on the “no” list. But they are. It’s true — eating nachos with others is a test of status hierarchy, and the entire process is basically a setup for failure. I’m so glad I’m comfortable at the point with my boyfriend where I can eat nachos in front of him, I mean, thank God. I think we’re going to make it.

Related: The 10 Worst Things To Hear On A First Date

I didn’t feel uncomfortable eating olives in front of others until now. Gabler writes, “You want me to just spit something out of my mouth and onto my plate at a fancy reception? Plus, once the seeds are spit out, they just sit there on the plate looking gross.” Now I am over-thinking the entire olive situation and now am picturing other people eating my discarded olive pits and — oh. Now I’m feeling very self-conscious about it. But it’s something we should all be thinking about.

Related: What Your Drink Says About You on a Date

Check out the entire list here, then tell us: Which foods do you feel most uncomfortable eating in front of people you don’t know well?

Here are some of my favorites:

1. “I love to go out or stay in!”

Wow — amazing. So does everybody else.

2. “I’m a lot like Liz Lemon.”

Look, if you’re saying you’re like Liz Lemon, you’re probably actually not.

3. “I don’t know what to write about myself.”

In the words of the Guyism writer: “Annnd you just wasted both of our time.”

4. “No drama.”

Only people who are constantly involved in drama of some sort need to put a disclaimer of “No drama!” on their online dating profile.

5. A Duck Face Photo

“Show us a pic of yourself doing something cool, not a pic of your face smashed into your friend’s faces with drinks raised up while your purse your lips into duck face and all bend your knees group shot sorority-style and we can’t even tell which one is actually you because you all have the same make-up on.”

Yep.

[Guyism: 7 annoying things on women's online dating profiles]